How do you know if someone is right for you?

Sarah and Craig met when their eyes locked across a crowded hotel lobby. Sarah was magnetized. He was gorgeous - and she loved his butt. Both of them were in their 50s, he divorced, she a widow. She was with friends, he came over to their table and asked if he could join them for a drink. Sarah's friends went to bed and she and Craig stayed up talking and after finishing off another bottle of red wine - they spent their first night together and they didn't get much sleep! They were in lust!

Craig worked abroad and came back on a regular basis for business. Sarah had a busy life as a business consultant. He returned to his life and she did likewise. They corresponded by email and phone calls. She had a fine circle of friends and was a vibrant, great looking, sexy woman. In fact the wilder and more spontaneous sex was, the more she loved it. Craig had lived abroad for 12 years. He had a lifestyle that was enviable, and he worked hard. He had three children and was going through a messy divorce settlement.

A month or two after they met they went on holiday together. Sarah was still enraptured. The holiday was idyllic and the sex was great! Craig invited Sarah to stay with him on his home ground and that's when things started to crack.... .

They had talked of how they could spend more time together. Craig was keen for her to visit his home and to see if she could enjoy it there. He wanted to show her round. She thought that she could make use of business contacts and consult over there. They had even discussed vague plans for a future together.

Both of them thought they had found 'that special person'.

Sarah discovered a very different Craig to that wild spontaneous lover that had first enticed her. Craig had a crisis at work and he had to spend a lot of time there - more than he had planned. When he returned he was moody and short tempered with Sarah. He accused her of being dependent. She was shocked - during her time in a very hostile foreign country where women were not at ease to wander where they wished, she had been to visit business contacts, had lunch with several newly introduced women and generally been fairly self sufficient.

Craig on the other hand had an issue about responsibility. He felt responsible for everyone and when he couldn't cope and be responsible, he blamed them. Hmmm.

One evening Sarah reached out to Craig and asked him when he would be finishing his newspaper... with that look and touch that says 'I want you... NOW!'... Craig reacted brusquely and said 'Why are you always bothering me - it'll happen naturally'. Crack crack...Sarah was horrified. She loved sex and she loved it with Craig and she had been so used to a totally full on honest sexual relationship with her husband... She felt rejected and dishonoured.

Craig was not used to women initiating sex. He felt pressurised because in his world view men initiated and when he wasn't in charge, he started to feel insecure and angry.

A few weeks after this, Sarah came to see me. She was down about the way the relationship was going. They had made so many plans, it had all seemed so idyllic at first - what went wrong?

Sarah and Craig had a case of clashing values. Both of them had been living a story in their heads that didn't have the full facts. And both of them had been so blinded with lust that they hadn't paid attention to what the other had been telling them. Their vague discussions about being together more were based on only a general idea of what they both wanted.

I asked Sarah what was so wonderful about her marriage to her late husband. We produced a list...

He was a creative, spontaneous and open to experiment lover and he loved Sarah to be like that. They both initiated equally and felt great!

He was intelligent and well read and loved to socialise as did Sarah

He was successful in his own field

He loved her to look sexy because as he said 'other men will take a look at you and think how did this short overweight man pull her - must have something special in that department'. He had a sense of humour about himself.

He had a sense of occasion. He loved candles round the bath and dressing up for special events.

The list was long but these few examples say a lot about Sarah's values. I asked her what she valued most

Instantly, she said 'he loved and appreciated the wildness and spontaneity in me'.

I asked her about Craig. Was he wild and spontaneous? Did he love her being like that? Her answers made me laugh.

NO WAY.. he's how shall I say..... 'regimented'. He has to plan everything.

Sarah is a bright woman. She's got a Doctorate and most of her friends are very intellectual and well read. She told me 'He only has 4 books and 3 of them are on law and that's because he's fighting a legal battle with his ex-wife!'

She also realised that Craig was looking for the 'right woman' - someone who could be a wife and mother - someone who would look good at the tennis club and someone who would be there as a support for him.

OH DEAR! Sarah had two grown up children and she'd gone the corporate wife route with her first husband. It was NOT for her. She was reinventing and unleashing her sexy self on the world... And although she loved his kids, she kind of felt uncomfortable being thought of primarily as a wife and mother. Craig thought he could change Sarah

What stops you?

So - that's a lesson. The question is how do you know if someone is right for you and what stops you finding out?

What stopped Sarah finding out was Craig's butt! She couldn't take her brain off that butt and all that it represented to her. What stopped Craig finding out was deciding that Sarah would fit in somehow. Their initial burst of great sex was fostered in an unnatural environment. Neither of them had any idea what the other was like in their natural habitat. As they spent time together, Sarah and Craig both discovered several impediments to their potential relationship.

Lust - the double edged sword?

Lust is a wonderful thing, it is generated deep in our primal sexual drivers. It interacts with our imprinted physical template of what matches us.. looks, size, hair colour...features.. and when we are in the same room or interact with someone like this, lust rises and engulfs us. It is nature's way of drawing people together.

And lust can be blind. People can spend idyllic hours in a lust cloud... thick viscous all enveloping feelings, cut out our views of the world below... and we see the world and that person through a very misty lens - the kind of lens that they use in those photo-portrait companies, that make you look like a 20 year old model when in reality you are 50 and look it!!

It can send you down a blind alley - When you are in lust somehow it doesn't seem to matter that the other person has completely different tastes in the basics of life. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person is very spontaneous and you like to plan everything step by step. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person doesn't have many books while you read voraciously. It doesn't seem to matter that the other person has vastly different values, they don't SEEM different.. and anyway, they'll change. Think again! They'll only change if THEY feel the urge to. I wonder where we get that phrase CLOUD cuckoo land!

It can open up a great new experience - And sometimes when you are in lust, you discover that there are lots of common likes and dislikes and that the person fits more than the physical template you hold.Great, your lusty instinct has led you to find something more.

The key to this is to be able to poke a hole through the cloud and come down to earth sufficiently long to focus on the reality of what you want and what is behind the lust. You may find that person has lots of qualities that you like and that's great.. and you may realise that there is no way you should continue...

Useful tip: If you are in the lust stage, it might be useful to keep check that you are really being yourself. Are you pretending you like doing something because they do? Or are you genuinely enjoying it. Are you agreeing with their ideas when really you don't... Are you thinking they might change. STOP. If you can't like someone for how they are, and think they'll be OK once you've trained them.. FORGET IT! It doesn't work! Just remember who you are and check in with it regularly.

What is important to you in a partner?

What has to be in place before you will consider taking any liaison further. What values does that person have to hold to match with you and give a harmonious start to building a relationship? For Tom, it was all about his son.

Tom's 13 year old son, Kev, was a football fanatic and very talented. He wanted to be a professional and Tom was determined to support him fully. Tom worked shifts - lots of evenings. At the weekend he went to the football matches with Kev and supported him. He told me that for a woman to become special in his life, she would have to want to spend time with Kev and Tom like this. Giving Kev the support he needed was a top priority with Tom. Whether you agree or not, Tom does NOT want a woman who expects to change this, this is an immutable in his books

When Nicola met her partner she said 'Look, I'm going to tell you straight - this is how I am. This is what's important to me and this is what's not flexible and this is where I am prepared to compromise and this is what I expect from a relationship - how about you?" Nicola wanted a man who knew who she was and who liked what that was and wanted to be around it. That's why she was so blunt.

While you may not be as blunt as Nicola, I am sure you can understand the value of finding out what is important to yourself and of conveying it to others and then finding out what is important to them. And here's a question to get you thinking...

What do you do or believe in that is so important to you that, if someone were to ask you to give it up or do a lot less of it to be with them, it would be unacceptable?

The clues are there

Often when we first meet, we spend time talking about our lives and past relationships. This is your opportunity to express what's important to you... stories tell us loads. And this is your opportunity to discover more about them.

Listen carefully because people are giving you clues all the time. They will tell you what they value and want indirectly. Make sure you reciprocate - and if what they reveal doesn't fit with you..and you still feel drawn, be careful... Check it out further. You could be heading for a minefield - and no-one walks into a minefield thinking 'I won't get hit this time or I can change the mines...this time it'll be different' It probably won't!!

Know who you are - who are You?

You can't really work out if you want to see more of someone or if they are right for you unless you have a clear idea of what you value in yourself. Do you know who you are? What are the things that are dominant and important in your life, and what values do you hold so true that someone you are with has to have similar ones or else - no go!

Do you want kids?Or maybe you definitely don't want them. Are you sure? Many people continue through relationships and even get married, assuming that the other wants just what they want.

"I thought we wouldn't have kids until we'd had some time building our careers, say in 6 or 7 years time and I only discovered when Illona got pregnant that she'd wanted them immediately and that she assumed I would too. We'd never discussed it properly, but then you don't do you.." [This was sent to me by someone asking for help]

What's the story?

People will tell you everything you need to know to give you potential for further exploration or to know that it's time to go....you just have to listen - pay attention and ask for clarification when you are not sure

When you pay attention to the myths and stories of someone's life you will learn lots.. and as you listen, draw back the veils of lust and pay attention to what lies beyond and above all be true to yourself.

• If for one moment you hesitate recounting some story for fear that the other person might not like you or be shocked.. then either it's too soon or it's time to check your self worth - Are you comfortable with your past and who you are now?

• If you find yourself agreeing with something they say, that in your heart of hearts you don't agree with, STOP. It's pointless saying 'me too' when it isn't true. They will be attracted to someone you are not and then you'll disappoint them and yourself.

• If you find yourself listening to them and thinking 'that will change' ALARM bells should start ringing. Go back and check your values. Be very careful!

• And if you find with each new revelation that you have more and more values, dreams and ways of living in common, then great, pursue it...

Explore yourself and others

When you want clarity on what it is you want, you can do this exploration.

Divide a piece of paper down the middle. On one side put ME and on the other his or her name.

• What do I value most in life? This usually generates big wide emotionally charged open nouns like freedom, security. Write what that big word means to you.

• What things are going on in my life that are very important to me to maintain?

• What qualities is it vital for the other person to believe in or exhibit before I am prepared to enter a more long term relationship with them?

Then ask yourself these questions about the person you are seeing and try to answer them as best as possible. What things have they indicated to you that they value? Tell yourself the truth. If something is really important to them - open out to it. If necessary find out more.. you might need to clarify the meaning of some of those big emotional words or you might open out to much by trying something new.

You say Freedom and I say freedom

One of my top values is freedom. What it means to me is unique to me and might be very different from your interpretation of freedom For me that means being free to make decisions about my life and career. It means being free to be ME [and there are lots of sub categories of what being me means].

I used to think that I could only have that by living alone. Often we let economic constraints tunnel vision our thinking. As I considered this question, I realised that I could easily live with someone if I had enough space emotionally as well as physically. Sometimes we think we know what has to be in place to satisfy a need, and then we find out how flexible we are.

Freedom is a big word. It can mean many things to many people..here are a few examples I got when I asked people what freedom in a relationship meant to them.

separate holidays, some separate friends, working for themselves, being able to pursue interests even if they are time consuming, being able to indulge sexual relations out side the partnership, having someone accept them for who they are, following religious beliefs unhampered, having one night out on their own alone each week , living in a separate home, sleeping in separate bedrooms, having a private work areas, your own bathroom, being able to go out for a long walk alone and have no one ask you where you are going...

And I could go on forever, because for each person, freedom will be an emotionally charged word. If you don't understand ASK. What does that mean to you?.

This is who I am - Match and fit?

When you get clarity on what you want, you are then in a position to let someone know.

A friend of mine is an artist. She lives with her man who is a corporate consultant. As she and her husband talked in the early stages of their relationship Arianne made it clear what she absolutely must have from a relationship. She talked about the things she wanted, what was important to her.. and he reciprocated. Keith, her husband, knew what he was getting when he asked her to marry him...they even wrote out their own contract and put it in a locked box.

She has to have a workroom and it's her private space and she expects to be left alone to paint when she is in there and to be able to do it when she wants [and that sometimes includes getting up at 3.00 am]. This suits Keith fine, he values his privacy too.

She expects to be able to invite who she wants into the home, and at odd times when her partner doesn't get on with someone, she won't invite them to spend the evening with her and her partner! Keith loves this because her friends are so interesting and even gave a job to one of her friends which worked out admirably!

Arianne and her partner go on holiday together but he expects to be able to take holidays on her own such as separate trips and weekends with friends - some male, some female. She expects her partner to be OK with this and he is because he also enjoys a golfing holiday with his mates. They have come to an agreement and it works for them.

It's all negotiable

Their relationship works because they created their own contract. Both stated what they needed and what had to be in place and they did it in the early stages of their relationship. WE ALL DO IT. We talk about what's important. What's also important is to listen out for this information, get a feel for someone and watch how they behave. When you know this is in place, you can begin to develop something that works for you. And what works for you may be VERY DIFFERENT to what works for someone else.

You can create your own relationship.

Relationships are what you make and what you make of them. Too many of us are constrained by the traditional social choices. Live alone, live together, get married. You can develop any relationship you like with anyone. And when you know and are who you are, you know what will work for you and you are open to suggestions. After all an idea never killed anyone, but living with values that are not compatible with yours could lead you into living death. The death of who you are..

Louise is bisexual. She meets a woman once a month and they literally spend two or three hours having sex in a hotel room. They aren't interested in having a love-live-in relationship with a woman, they just enjoy the sexual side of it - Louise likens it to having a gourmet blow out once a month! They are both married and they both know where they stand. They have a relationship that works for them.

Anna is a 56 year old with a high flying job in the City. She lives in her own flat in London with her 19 year old daughter. Graham, her lover of 10 years is a university professor and lives 400 miles away. They both agreed that their careers were very important so they worked out a system that was right for them. They arrange special weekends away and speak often. Sometimes she visits him and sometimes he her. They take a holiday together and where convenient attend special social events together. They see each other at their best and of course their relationship sparkles with newness each time they meet. They worked out their arrangement because they both know what they want... and things can change..

Stuart was a doctor and so is his wife. Stuart gave it up because he really wanted to work in computers. He could only find work in London. Each weekend he would commute down to their home in Cornwall and spend time with his wife. Marianne, his wife was adamant she couldn't live in London. After two years, they sold their home, bought a holiday cottage in Cornwall and his wife moved to London and she's perfectly content. They successfully negotiated a win-win situation.

Jerry and his wife couldn't make their marriage work. They had 3 kids. They divorced, sold their home and bought two smaller identical houses side by side. The kids have bedrooms in each house and are free to come and go as they wish. Jerry and his wife created a negotiable agreement about how to bring up the kids. Instead of fighting and subjecting the kids to hostile visits where Dad waits in the car to take them for their weekend jaunt, Jerry and his ex-wife have worked out an ever adapting system that is right for them and their kids. And incidentally, they negotiated this when they went to Relate as a last ditch attempt to patch up their marriage.

Written by world renown flirt coach Peta Heskell of Attraction Academy and Flirtzone.