After my year of dating I have become very familiar with my flaws on the dating scene and as a young dating woman I have had to take some advice and some well-needed dating tips on how to be better at dating. “Dating tips for women” may sound patronising and condescending, but there’s nothing with accepting that you need a little help. I was aware that I did; I did not have cruise control, I had two gears: reverse and override! And I showed it, I wore my heart on my sleeve and was devoid of aloofness. Additionally, open mindedness isn’t something comes naturally to me so it took a lot of will power not to dismiss potential daters instantly.

Having said all this ladies, I have improved; a new year and a new me means I have wisdom to share…

Throw away the Checklist…

The older we get and the more date, it’s inevitable that desirable traits will get put upon a hypothetical list. However, this is an unhealthy way to start dating. People are dismissed without a look in – who knows what you may be throwing away because they are half an inch under the height requirement and you once went out with a short guy who had a big chip on his shoulder. That guy you just dismissed may have been kind, sensitive and generous and you shelved him because of half an inch!

Be honest!

Don’t be scared to say what you want. As women it’s in our nature to please, but don’t be afraid to let them know what your expectations are, otherwise how are they ever going to live up to them.  And if they don’t…

Give them a second chance.

Not a third or fourth, but definitely a second.  Men usually have to cross a line before they see it, so let them make a mistake once… And if they’re worth holding on to they won’t do it again.

Stop The Wedding Plans!

Instead of thinking “Is he husband material? “You should be thinking “Is he second date material?”  He certainly won’t be thinking any further ahead than next week, so why should you? There is so much fun to be had in the early stages of dating why would anyone want to waste time thinking about the future?

Dating isn’t easy; you are going to get knock backs, find new hang ups, put yourself under the microscope and feel vulnerable and exposed. All this takes courage, and it’s hard enough just “being yourself” under these pressures without considering everything else I’ve mentioned. But all of the above points link to one word… Relax! If you relax and enjoy it, for what it is, a meeting, a new person, an adventure…  Then you will be good at it.

So here are some spoof dating profiles I’ve jazzed up to give anyone who’s struggling a bit of inspiration.

OK, so you like the simple things in life, doesn’t mean your profile has to be simple though…

Plain and simple

I’m a graphic designer and in my spare time I like reading and walking and listening to music. I like eating out and my perfect date would be to meet in a coffee shop which serves nice cake.

Becomes…  “Simply Charming”

When I’m not designing the world’s next iconic logo I enjoy the simple pleasures in life. My nose is usually burrowedburied in a good book, my feet are happiest when strolling around the countryside and my ears have great taste in music. I’m a real foodie, so my perfect date would be to sample some authentic Italian cuisine in Venice, failing that I’d settle for a cosy coffee shop that serves a slice of yummy chocolate cake!

Show off your good points, without putting them off…

The Show Off

I’m a great guy who has many friends and a great career. I like to work out and take a lot of pride in my appearance. I’m funny, intelligent good looking and people are always asking me why I am still single.

Becomes… “A Showboat!”

I really enjoy my life and I’m pleased with what I’ve achieved so far. But no-one’s perfect and we all need a bit of help sometimes; which is why I am here. Apparently I’ve got nice eyes and look good in a pair of speedos, but you’ll have to get in touch to find out if that’s true.

Avoid overdone phrases and cheesy clichés…

Heard it all before?

I’m a genuine girl with a good sense of humour. I’m outgoing, down to earth and like socialising. I would like to meet someone who enjoys live music, travelling and trying out new things.

Becomes… “Want to hear more?”

Fancy going to a gig? How about a weekend away in a Brussels? How about just chilling in a trendy wine bar with some good conversation? Well this fun-loving girl needs a partner in crime, so if you know how to have a laugh and have a spontaneous streak, get in touch.

Read part two of my top ten tips and increase your chances of success in finding love online.

Be realistic

We are taught not to judge a book by its cover, however, so much of internet dating is about doing just that.  The problem with this is that you could end up discounting someone who could be a great match for you because you don’t like the look of them.  We all have an internal list of ‘deal-breakers’ we’re looking for in someone else.

What you need to do is identify yours and then objectively see whether it’s a realistic list.  Is it really so important that someone you date younger than you, two inches smaller, or owns the whole radiohead back catalogue? Realistically, if you met someone who was a little older, that you had tons in common with, would a few years make such a difference?  Sadly, internet dating makes us focus on the superficial, which isn’t what long term relationships thrive on.   I can’ t stress enough how important it is that you are honest with yourself about what you are looking for.  This doesn’t mean you should go on a date with everyone that asks you, but make sure you’re not rejecting someone that could be a good match, but doesn’t have the right hair colour.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

It’s a really easy mistake to make, however, don’t feel that you need to stop chatting to people online once you start arranging face to face dates.  Although it goes against our natural etiquette instincts, (it seems rude to continue flirting with others online when you’re dating people), you must make sure you don’t narrow down your options at the first opportunity.  You’ll have spent some time chatting to a variety of people that you’re interested in, so don’t be tempted to stop chatting to them or not arrange to meet up because you have been on a date with someone else.  Although you might go on a date that feels like it’s gone really well, it will take you both a few dates to really know whether you might have a connection.  It’s really easy to get sucked into just dating one person, but keep your options open and chat to lots of people– you’ll know when the time is right to be exclusive with one person.

Be the right sort of keen

I write this particular tip with a caveat attached – i really dislike ‘games and rules’, when it comes to dating, however this is one area of internet dating that has a definite rule to it.  As a coach, i don’t like it, however if you’re using the internet to date, i think you need to know about it!

It’s important that you get the balance right of being keen, but not being too keen.  Confused?  Let me explain further…  How you contact people online is often viewed as an indication of your keenness, therefore you have to make sure you appear keen, but not overly keen, or as some might view it, desperate.   So how do you do this?  You have to take your time.  Although it might be tempting to want to write very long emails to someone explaining why you think you’re a good match, or respond within minutes of them emailing you, think about how that can seem to someone else.  Although you want them to know you are keen, over-sharing or responding very quickly can feel a bit overwhelming when you’re on the receiving end. Your good intentions could therefore see you pushing someone away rather than making a connection.  At the other end of the scale, if you act too nonchalant and don’t respond to someone’s email for a week, you’re unlikely to get asked on a date!  A rule of thumb is to keep things short and snappy to start with, and reply to people within 24-48 hours.

Be safe

This may seem really obvious, but make sure you stay safe when dating online.  I have to stress that 99.9% of people on online dating sites are perfectly legitimate, however, we’ve all read about internet dating scams and cases where people haven’t been who they said they were.  You have to give yourself time to get to know people, and whilst you do, don’t share any of your personal information.  Don’t give out your address, details of your workplace, or share really personal things about yourself when chatting online.  It also goes without saying that if anyone ever asks you for money (and it does happen in some rare cases), report them to the site administrator and cease any communication.  If you’re arranging to go on a date, make sure you meet in a public place and tell a friend where you are going.

Remember, just because you’ve exchanged a few chatty emails with an individual doesn’t mean you know someone and you should get too familiar.

Feel free to walk away

This tip applies to all stages of internet dating – if it doesn’t feel right, then walk away.  If you’ve signed up to a site for a few months, but you’re either not getting any dates (even after adjusting your profile), then don’t feel you need to stick it out, just move on.

By all means, keep chatting to people online that you’re not sure about to see whether you begin to find some common ground, but if this doesn’t start to happen, don’t feel you need to keep chatting.  It can be tempting to keep chatting to those that you’re not really connecting with until someone better comes along, however, if you’ve no intention of meeting up with them, don’t keep them hanging on.

Play nice

For some strange reason, the world of internet dating can make people behave in a way that would make them blush if they were in the real world; some contact people with pretty fruity suggestions of what they’d like to do with them, some arrange to meet up and then vanish into thin air, some reveal all their past relationship issues at the drop of a hat… If you’ve ever found yourself doing these things, consider for a moment what the person on the receiving end might think!

I’m a big fan of being yourself when online, therefore, behave on a dating site how you’d like to be treated and you’re likely to get a good response.  If someone emails you and you’re not interested, take a few moments to thank them, but let them know you’re not interested.

If you find yourself wanting to date someone exclusively, but you’re still chatting to people, rather than stop all communication, send an email telling them how much you’ve enjoyed chatting to them, but you’ve just started dating someone and want to see how it goes.  This way, if it doesn’t go to plan, you’ve left the door ajar to potentially strike up the chatting again.

And one final piece of advice…keep it in perspective

Although you should invest some time in internet dating, make sure it doesn’t consume you; it will zap your energy and could make you a bit cynical if you spend too much time focusing on bagging a date.  When you start dating, you’ll want to show the other person what a lovely, interesting life you have, so make sure you get out there and have fun.  Any form of dating can dent your ego, so it’s important to keep a good balance between this and the rest of your life.

Yes, when you are online you have a lot more time to think about your message and picture, unlike meeting someone out and about, where things are often  down to luck.  But, this level of control does not always result in the right outcome.

It’s far too tempting to focus on getting attention without considering if it’s the right sort of attention you’re getting.

Most people choose an online dating site that suits their dating needs.  So once you’re in the right place, you need to make sure you are giving the right impression.

The Dating Photo

The photo must be a true representation of you! Of course you need to choose one you like and that shows off your best features (no need to put one up of you with bed hair wearing a moth eaten dressing gown) however, there’s no point in putting up one taken in dusky lighting, which makes you look 2 stone lighter and 10 years younger. I mean you are going to have meet them at some point right? So pick something that shows the real you, but in the best possible light.  Make sure you look relaxed and approachable – a smile usually goes down well too. I’d avoid the passport serious face or any pouting or posing. Sunglasses are a definite no as are bare chests and low bikinis – mystery is much more appealing!

The Dating Profile

Once again play to your strengths but do it honestly. For example, don’t put down you’re a gym bunny to lull people into thinking you’ve got a super- toned bod when in reality you haven’t got off the couch in the last 5 years. Or add interested in museums and art galleries to look educated and cultured when they really bore you stiff and you would much rather be flicking between reality TV whilst reading a red top. Your dating profile lets other daters know if you have any common ground and gives an insight into your personality. They then can choose if they want to get you know you better, but pretending to be something you’re not is only lead to the inevitable… Disappointment!

I’d advise getting a friend to help you, but certainly not asking someone else to write it for you. The next step online is e-mailing each other followed by speaking on the phone or meeting face to face, therefore your personal statement is like the first conversation and you wouldn’t get someone else to do that for you.

Whether you’re witty, quirk, shy or outgoing, your statement should give people a snippet of your personality. You don’t need to point out any flaws, just ask your friends and family what they think are your best bits and put them down in words. And there’s no harm in making the words stand out. Next week I’ll be re-writing some and of the bland, boring and ridiculous personal statements to help anyone who wants to jazz up their own.

Icebreakers may work for you, or they may not. If you find them cheesy, desperate or too full on, then forget it. But, if you’re like me, a bit quirky, a bit geeky and open to new ideas, then they could just save your date.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go into a first date armed with drinking games, pop questions and lame jokes, but if the conversation becomes stilted and the atmosphere is getting dry, this is what I have up my sleeve…

A GOOD joke

Notice the word ‘good’? Don’t tell a bad one just for the sake of it, it’s just awkward and cringey. But a good one can work really well. Personally, I don’t tell jokes, I’m not good at it, and I do that thing where you laugh before you get to the punch line. So, I would never attempt this, but a previous date did a joke on me, it was one of those “Did you hear on the news today…?” jokes, where they lull you in to thinking you are hearing a genuine story and then  you realise, at the punch line, it’s a joke. But it worked really well, we both laughed; it eradicated the tension and relaxed us.

Some pre-prepared questions

Some of these can be really corny and overdone (e.g. Whatwould you do if you won a million pounds?) – and you don’t want to come across as one of those “happy” people who run “morale boosting seminars”.

However, there are some good ones, I use these…

1. If you could have put one thing into room 101 this week what would it have been? (Mine would have been jeggings)
2. You’re stuck on a desert Island you are allowed one music album and one book – what would they be?
3. If you HAD to appear on a reality TV show, which one would you go on?

Guess the lie

Give them 3 statements about your past and they have to guess which two are true and which one is a lie.

1. I was once a ballerina.
2. I have a fear of escalators.
3. I have swum the English Channel.

Quick fire questions

Give them a choice of two options, they have to pick their preference, but they have to answer as quickly as they can, one after the other. You can do as many as you like, but always try and end with something telling flirtatious or something that will lead to a conversation.

• North or South?
• Cinema or DVD?
• Summer or Winter?
• Skiing or sunbathing?
• Blond or Brunette?

So that’s  the first date tips on icebreakers, there to use or to delete from your memory.  You, of course, know best!

With the run up to Christmas sometimes it can be all like ‘Maybe I should buy my ex a gift?’, out of some sort of lingering sense of obligation which you completely are not expected to fulfil unless they’re still in your life in a reasonably big way. But why not get them a passive aggressive gift that will both show, ‘Hey, I thought about you enough to get you a seasonal gift’, and also, ‘I still sometimes think about sex with you and it makes me resent myself and the years I wasted pouring time and effort into you before your broke my heart’.

Sound like you? Then Gizmodo has a great article about the perfect passive aggressive gifts to get your ex. They’re kind of expensive, but pretty funny. Apple earbuds? Nice touch. Awful tablet? Great. Fleshlight? I dunno, that one’s a little bit creepy. Digital photoframe with ruined memories? Well, that’s full dark-side mode, but also pretty hilarious.

Some other passive aggressive gift ideas for an ex could include some sort of dildo-based device (because a fleshlight isn’t really applicable for a female ex, and I hate to condone sexism), or maybe also a bonnet of withered flowers symbolic of the decay they cruelly left in their wake, also perhaps coffee to symbolise the bitterness of their heart. I’m not bitter! What are you talking about?! Come up with some cool ideas yourself and post them in the comments box below. It’s all about sharin’ and carin’.

Afterwards, it’s easy to excuse this with “there was no spark” or “we didn’t connect”. But daters need to remember; it’s not always easy, in fact, sometimes it’s hard work and there are times when you need to try a little bit harder to make sure you’re making the most of your date.

Remember, however you first met, be it in a bar, on the net or through a friend; you were both in your comfort zone, the first date takes you out of your comfort zone and creates lots of room for nerves, self-consciousness and a sudden lack of confidence to creep in. So if things don’t happen naturally, plan ahead and have some tricks up your sleeve to get the date off to a good start.

First date conversation starters…

• Current affairs… You need to be careful here, I would avoid anything that people are likely to be strongly opinionated about or that makes you overly passionate. For example, I wouldn’t start ranting about how important you thought the recent public sector strikes were, only to discover your date is in the Jeremy Clarkson club and believes they should all be shot! But there’s no harm in watching the news, or quickly scanning a news web page, to see if there’s something light hearted and interesting to bring up. I did this today and discovered this headline: ‘Female splits up Toronto’s “gay” Penguins!’ – I am definitely using that on my next date!
• Any shared interests you have are going to be a winner, for example: sport, music, TV, food or culture. And if you know there’s something they are into, but you don’t know much about, take an interest, they’ll love having a new audience to share their passion with.
• Compliment them – on their car, job, style or choice of venue. But remember there’s a fine line between compliments and creepiness, so keep it subtle and relaxed. I’d go for “This is a great little spot; I never knew this was here. How’d you find it?” rather than “Wow, you picked a great venue, you must someone who is full of amazing ideas and inspiring concepts.”

What to avoid…

• Anything to do with past relationships, break ups or previous dates – too heavy, too much, too soon. Stay mysterious and veer away from these topics.
• Talking about yourselftoo much – you want them to leave the date feeling good about themselves too and to do that you need to make sure you take an interest in them – it’s not a one man show after all.
• Don’t interrogate them. Keep it light hearted and relaxed – you don’t want them to feel like they are being interviewed. Ask them questions, but try to make them meaningful, not random, for example if by the end of the date you know their shoe size, weight at birth and the forenames of their grandparents you went too far.

First date ice breakers…

And if it’s all a little bit stiff and wooden, I see nothing wrong with an icebreaker to get rid of the tension. I’ll be sharing mine favourite ice breakers on my next post… they can really help set a relaxed and light hearted atmosphere which will start that first date conversation off nicely.

Holly Robin over at The BQB has written a blog post defining her 5 different degrees of crazy, using her I.Q. (Insanity Quotient) as a measuring scale. They range from being unable to handle ex-boyfriends with a new lady, to revenge castration.

What IQs have you had? Any thoughts on crazy men in relationships? Let us know in the comments below!

Firstly, there are many reasons to be thankful for being single at Christmas; not having to weigh out on Christmas presents for a romantic partner and being able to let your diary fill up with social engagements are two that are at the top of my list.

Also, it is the perfect opportunity to make things happen. One year I received a mystery Christmas card which read “To the most beautiful girl on the fourth floor” and that was it. I never found out who it was from, but it made my Christmas. How lovely would it be if all us singletons left a mystery card or gift to someone we had a soft spot for; it would definitely add a bit of Christmas magic on the dating circuit.

Let’s not forget that Christmas is the party season and I have three rules for Christmas parties:

1) On arrival scan for Mistletoe – never get caught unawares under it, but know where it is if you need a secret weapon.

2) Pamper and preen – there’s not a better to time to ensure you look your best, the party season is an excuse to dress up – ditch the usual outfits and smarten up!

3) Keep that smile! No one wants to be stuck with a misery guts at a party. Every-body is in a celebratory mood so make the most of it, smile and mingle – smingle!

And if I’m lucky enough for any romantic rendezvous to arise in December – here are some festive dates I am longing to try…

“Get Your Skates On”

Ice skating by starlight – every city has an outdoor ice rink in December – how romantic! And then to pop somewhere cosy for a glass of mulled wine afterwards to warm up – perfect.

“Deck the Halls”

Christmas tree shopping – well if I’m going to get a Christmas tree, I need a man to help me carry it. Ok, we have to be sensible here, no getting an unsuspecting date to carry a 7 footer, get prickled to death by pine needles and then lose his patience trying to cram it into your fiat 500. However, meeting at a garden centre, getting someone to help you pick your SMALL Christmas tree, and even let him pick a new decoration for it, could be a lovely afternoon. And garden centres usually have a nice coffee shop too! If a fella asked me on this date, I’d be smitten before we even met.

“A Christmas Fayre or Market”

Most country hotels run a good annual Christmas Fayre or market and there is nothing quite like it to get you in the Christmas mood. Stalls crammed with goodies to try, a choir singing in the background and chestnuts roasting as you enter. Take a date along, sample the treats, pause for a coffee and a mince pie and browse the stalls for some unique gifts. What’s not to enjoy?

December offers more than other months on the dating circuit; fairy lights everywhere, log fires crackling, and plenty of parties and sparkle. Romance is waiting in every nook and cranny; you don’t have to go far to stumble over it. After all it is the ‘ Most Wonderful Time of the Year…’